Sometimes I can be a bitch!

So as of late I've been really trying to improve myself. I've been trying to change my perspective on life and other people. I'm beginning to realize that some people aren't as bad as they seem or really as bad as I thought they were. I've been developing some new friendships and working on strengthening the old ones. This is all part of my healing process, and really for most people just part of life.

For some reason I have always treated those people who have treated me well like crap, and those who have treated me like crap I've treated well. I can think of in high school how I had some really truly awesome friends, such as, Josie and Taryn. They were always there for me. They always wanted to hang out. They put up with a lot of BS from me, especially Taryn, and still loved me all the same. I was never a good friend to them. I instead would do anything and everything for those friends who constantly stabbed me in the back and talked about me behind my back, and ditched me. I would do anything they asked, and I would blow off my faithful friends to hang out with them. Now granted some of these people merely needed some growing up to do just as I did, and some of them now are really good friends. I just wish I would have been just as good if not better to the people who treated me well. I would like to say that this was just a phase I went through or it was just because I was a teenager, but it wasn't. I think about after high school some of the people who I developed friendships with that were really good friends to me, but instead I chose to try and become "close" with those who walked all over me.

I also wish that I could say that this was limited to just the friends I made, but I also did it with the guys I chose to like. Let's take Seth for example. I would bend over backwards for that boy. I can maybe think of two times that he actually showed some kind of appreciation for all the things that I did for him. I mean I let him wreck my car and never pay me back for it. I never once would stay angry with him. He would disappear on me randomly or not call for months. Sometimes I would not talk to him for several months and then he would call and just want to go out. I was always okay with it. Whatever he wanted I did. But God forbid if Tyler ever did anything like that. He would no longer be a part of my life. For a while I thought I had finally learned to stand up for myself, and I still think that is part of it, but definitely not all of it. I have gotten much better with Tyler, and I am finally learning to truly appreciate my good and faithful friends. But I remember for a long time if Tyler did ANYTHING, and I mean any little thing that was in my mind wrong, I would rip into him. I would tell him to leave. I would tell him our relationship wasn't going to work. I thank the Lord daily that Tyler was so patient with me, and so willing to deal with me constantly ripping into him for almost anything and everything. He would never yell at me. He would just sit there and listen to me yelling at him. I never understood how he could love me so much that he was willing to deal with that. But he did and he does , and I am so thankful for that. Things are much better now. They have been for a while. We rarely get into arguments, and if he does something I don't like or I do something he doesn't like we just discuss it calmly and come to a compromise. And that's how it should be. I still have not figured out why I feel the need to treat those that are good to me like scum, and those who walk all over me like the best people in the world. I may never figure out why I feel the need to do this. I have just taught myself to do otherwise. It's only recently that I have really been trying to actually show true appreciation to my good and loyal friends. I'm getting there.

I apologize to those that I have treated like crap over the years. Unfortunately, it is not limited to one or two. Just know now things are different. And I truly appreciate those who have actually stayed my friends through it all. I'm finally learning to surround myself with loving, loyal, and wonderful friends. And I am also learning to be the same to them.

Okay so my second subject is the fact that sometimes I am just a bitch. There are many people that I have not exactly been the nicest to. I can think of a decently long list. Most of these people did do something wrong to me or someone I loved or they were self-destructive and I therefore pushed them away. Now most of these people I still have no desire to be friends with, and on the whole I still don't like them all that much. However, I still owe these people an apology. I don't think it is wrong to decide to take someone out of your life that is stressing you out or weighing you down or just causing problems. It is wrong, however, to criticise this person, whether behind his or her back or to his or her face. I think it is wrong to bad mouth someone, hurt their feelings, gossip about them, or just speak or wish ill of them. I'm not big on gossip, so you don't have to worry about that one, but I have a temper and an opinion. When I get upset or angry with someone I tend to voice this opinion. Sometimes I say things I don't mean and things that can be very hurtful. Judging others is wrong no matter how you look at it. I've been busy looking at the speck in other's eyes, rather than trying to get the plank out of my own (for those who don't know, that is a biblical reference). I have not spoken anything really bad about or to another in about the last month. I haven't been overly judgemental or critical of anybody in a while, but still it's a process. I'm learning to see the good in others. I want to admit that I was wrong and apologize to any of those people that I have spoken badly of, judged, or criticised. I'm not naming any names, but you know who you are. What I said and did was immature, selfish, and just wrong. Some of you I would love to be friends with again, others of you I would prefer to keep my distance from. But either way I am sorry.