Recognizing the Damage

So I took a break from going through the healing process for a while just because I had a lot going on and did not have the time to focus on it. But now I'm back on it. I'm finally beginning to do the written exercises from the book I'm going through. I'm going to go through this book, along with strengthening my relationship with God. I've realized I can't do this without him, so he has to be the main part of the healing process.

The first writing exercise I have to do is called Recognizing the Damage. I'm going to write one entry in here and write a more detailed entry in my private blog. There's some things I really don't want to share on here.

The abuse has effected me in several ways. I have struggled with depression and anxiety problems for years. I don't trust people at all. I don't feel like anyone knows me completely. I push people away when they begin to get to close. I have trouble expressing my feelings. Sometimes I'll just have panic attacks out of nowhere. I always expect the worst to happen. I'm always afraid that the people I'm close with will betray me. I have a low self esteem. I don't like my appearance at all. I'm somewhat of a perfectionist in certain areas of my life. If I can't be perfect at it, I feel like there is no use in trying. I isolate myself a lot. I feel very lonely at times. I constantly test people seeing if they will truly put up with me. I have a very dim few of the male species. lol. I'm always suspicious of others. I always have a constant nagging feeling of pain and anxiety. I feel like I am never truly happy or content. Sometimes I feel completely numb, and almost in a way step out of my body. I feel broken. I feel the need to be in control. My internal dialogue is generally negative, and some days I truly despise myself.

So now that I've made the long list of what damage the abuse has caused, now I will write what strengths I have due to how I had to learn to cope with the abuse. I rarely put myself in dangerous situations just because I am so weary of people. I am not easily hurt. I am very sympathetic and understanding of others that have been abused. I have learned to do things by myself, so I am very independent. I am usually always on top of things like money and house cleaning and planning things just so that I can be in control. Well those are all the strengths I can think of. I guess I'm done for the day as far as the writing exercises go. And now I want to go throw up, because thinking about these kind of things always makes me feel that way.