The Road to Healing is long and mostly uphill

I call what I'm doing right now my healing journey. I know that sounds odd and dumb to some of you, but that is what it is. It's a complete journey. It will take years for me to heal from my childhood sexual abuse. It's not a quick process, and it will have it's ups and downs just like any journey one embarks on.

When I first started my healing journey I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it was going to be a very emotional thing. I also knew it would take a very long time. What I didn't know is that it would be so draining. It has been mentally, emotionally, and physically draining. I'm exhausted all of the time. I knew it would be hard, but I just never realized it would be this hard. I should have known that it would be, but maybe I just hoped otherwise. Right now, it is taking all of me to uproot the cause of my fears, pains, and issues. It is so wearing to remember things that I had long ago pushed out of my mind. It's taking so much strength to break down those barriers that I have put up. It is taking all of my effort to continue doing this and to trust that this will all be worth it in the end. It would be easier to give up and go back to my old ways of coping, but I can't do that. I deserve more. Tyler deserves more. My friends and family deserve more. So I just keep on going.

The more I read and the more work I do regarding the abuse, the more I begin to learn about myself. I am finally learning to accept the fact that what happened was not my fault. I was a little girl and had no control in the situation. I'm beginning to understand why I fear a lot of the things I fear, and also why I do some of the things I do. I've learned to cope a certain way. My ways of coping aren't healthy, but for so long that was the only way I knew how to cope. I'm working on changing that. I'm a strong person and I can do this. I'm beginning to say only positive things about myself. I've changed the way I view the rest of the world. I acknowledge my feelings. I no longer ignore them or hide them. I no longer push my anger away until it gets to the point where I lash out at whoever is around. I've been trying my best to put myself in other people's shoes. I view myself, the world, and others in a very different light. I've actually come a long way in the month I've been doing this, but really I'm just beginning. There's so much more to accomplish. There's so much more to work on.

As you can imagine none of this has been easy on poor Tyler. In the beginning, I asked him to be my support person. He has been amazing about this whole thing. He listens to me whenever I have something to tell him or when I realize one more thing about myself. He holds me when I need to cry. He's hearing things that he I'm sure doesn't truly want to hear. He's hearing disturbing things and things he can't truly understand because he hasn't been through them, but yet he reacts exactly right. He supports me. He pushes me on. It would be easier on him if I just gave up, but he knows I have to do this. It's hard, but in the end it'll be worth it. I told him since we are both off Friday, I'm taking the day off from reading and working on healing. That way we can enjoy just a day together without all the burdens that I often bring to the table. They say to take a day off once in a while anyway, so that'll be my day.

For all of you, if I become distant or less social or anything like that, please try to understand. This is the most exhausting thing I have ever done. I know some of you are going to think that I'm crazy by saying how hard this is or that I'm being over dramatic, but that's okay. I don't expect anyone to understand who hasn't gone through the same thing. I have my support people around me. And no, it's not something that I can just get over, even though I use to think it should be.