I've been reading through a self help book called, "The Courage to Heal" It's a book designed to help women survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Yes, I was sexually abused as a child. That in itself is hard enough for me to say on this very public blog, so that is all you are going to get. No when, no where, no why, no what, no how, no who. Nothing except the simple fact that I was sexual abused as a child. I've been reading that eventually I'll be able to share my stories with anyone who will listen without feeling shame or guilt, but I haven't reached that point yet.
Well about a week ago I read the chapter on anger. The things that the authors wrote really brought some perspective. I am a very angry person. Most people don't see that side of me. I'm good at hiding it, but I am quite angry at the world. If you are close to me and you set me off, run for cover! Tyler's learned this. And overall I really just don't like people. I have a lot of anger deeply rooted in me from my past, and anytime something angers me in the present some of that past anger comes up with it. And whoever I've decided to be angry with, usually Tyler, gets to experience a wrath that he did not deserve. He didn't do those things to me, but yet I make him pay the price. I misdirect my anger, usually towards him. This is why I want to change, because it's not fair to Tyler. He is so wonderful to me. He deserves so much more!
Well the last few weeks or so I've actually been doing really well in the anger department. I wrote a letter to the person that abused me. I didn't send it, but I wrote it. I wrote about all the pains he has caused me and others and how pathetic he is and so on. I actually have it in my private blog, so for those who can read my private blog you can go read it. Writing that letter helped a whole lot. Suddenly I was able to direct my anger towards the person who deserved it rather than keep it inside and let it swelter until I released it on myself or some other undeserving person. Anytime I've begun to feel anxious or stressed or angry I have stopped myself. I don't just pop an anti anxiety pill in my mouth. I make myself think. What brought this on? who or what am I upset with? what can I do to fix this? and is it really worth getting that upset over? I make myself feel, rather than numb myself with the medication. I've been doing really well with it, but then.......
Last night I slipped up. I talked to my mom yesterday morning, and we were talking about my dad and some of the things he's doing and some of the things he's put us through.(just in case you were wondering, he's not my abuser) Well after I got off the phone I started to really think about our conversation. I started to think about my dad and all the shit he's put all of us through. It pissed me off. I so wanted to write an email to him telling him what a miserable piece of shit he can be, but I didn't. I decided I should ignore it for now. That was a very bad idea. As the day wore on I started getting meaner and meaner with everyone. I was snappy and pissy. I kept telling myself to calm down that it wasn't the other people's fault that my dad's an asshole, but it wasn't working well.
Well finally I went to bed and asked Tyler to come in there with me. He did. He sat down and he looked upset and frustrated. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "it really irritates me that I can't say no to you" Okay, looking at that statement now, it just seems like a statement. One that could even be taken in a good way, but to the bitch that I was last night that statement meant a huge argument. I started crying, telling him that he doesn't really want to give me what I want and that when he makes sacrifices for me it's not because he wants to. It's because he feels like he has to and feels guilty if he doesn't. And on and on and on. I also know now that all those things I said were completely irrational. We argued for about thirty minutes. Tyler mostly stayed quiet and didn't say anything, which pissed me off even more. In the back of my head I knew I was being over dramatic, but I just couldn't help myself. I was so angry! Finally I yelled at him for not responding to me. He said, "I'm not responding, because I don't want to argue with you. I watched and heard my parents argue for the first eight years of my life. I'm tired of arguing." I responded with, "I'd rather my parents have argued, at least that would have shown some kind of passion. That shows that you care about that person enough that they can piss you off that much. My mom cared about my dad. My dad cared about himself." And then the tears came. I was bawling. It hit me at that moment that I wasn't in the least bit angry with Tyler. I was angry with my father. Tyler grabbed me and held on to me and kissed me until I could stop crying a little. And then I apologized and explained to him about today and the things I was thinking. He was okay with it. He should be so tired of me and these things I put him through, but he just deals with it. I couldn't ask for anyone better.
The thing is I could have prevented us from ever having an argument. I could of wrote my dad a letter, whether I chose to send it to him or not. I could have screamed in to a pillow. I could have punched a punching bag. I could have just simply talked to Tyler about how I was feeling and cry on his shoulder. There's so many other things I could have done, but instead I let the anger build up, and I took it out on the person that I love the most.
Although I had a slip up last night, it's not the end of the world. I just have to keep trying. I'm gonna mess up from time to time. I know that. I'm amazed and slightly proud of myself for how quickly I was able to identify the true trigger of my anger. Hopefully there won't be a next time, but if there is, hopefully I'll be able to identify it even faster. This whole "healing journey" has been tough so far, but it's also been worth it. It's also very far from being over!
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