My Decision

Today I was planning on sharing an entry from my diary from about two years ago. I forgot to bring the diary in to work, so there goes that. I'll either share it with you guys tonight when I get home or tomorrow morning. Pretty much the diary entry was saying for so long I've searched for peace and joy. I always wanted something that I felt was missing. And I had found it. It was God. It was my savior, Jesus Christ. To be honest, when I read this I broke down. I was so close to my God! I did his will. I spent time in his word several times a day. I prayed almost constantly. I served others. I went to small group and a girl's bible study that Ashley, Brit, and I started, as well as church every Sunday. My joy was evident to all and if they asked me where it came from I was very quick to tell them. And then a temptation came my way that I couldn't resist. Although really I'm sure I could resist it. I just chose not to.

" No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

That passage is in 1 Corinthians I believe. I was always good at memorizing the verses, just never where they were. I think that is just because I just needed to know the verses so I could continually repeat them to myself in times of trouble. Well I chose not to resist this temptation, and I chose to turn my back on the one who has never failed me. And it's been about two years since I did that. I've struggled off and on about once again walking in God's will and drawing close to him once again. But I was afraid of what I would have to give up. I also did not feel as if I deserved for him to forgive me once again. And I don't.

The last month or so I've been reading his word again and praying to him. Last night after reading that diary entry, I broke down. Memories flooded into my mind. I love my God and there is NOTHING like walking in his will. I started crying and I called out to him. And as weird as this sounds to some, I let him hold me and comfort me. I was reminded once again that I was his child and no matter what I did he would ALWAYS forgive me! His love is unconditional. His mercy and grace is limitless. He is all powerful, all knowing, and almighty. How could I walk away from this amazing God? I did and I have to come to terms with that. I have to let his mercy and grace flow over me and wash away my sins and my guilt with it. I want to know him once again. I want to grow in him once again. I want to experience his joy and peace once again.

"These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I think that's 1 Corinthians too, but I can't promise you that. This is going to take time for me. There is a certain part of me that wants to run away once again. There's part of me that says I've hurt him too much and my issues are too many. But I know he desires a relationship with his children and not only will he allow me to come back, he wants me to come back. How awesome is that! For those who knew me then, don't expect the girl from two years ago right away. This is going to take time. I didn't get this far away from him in one day. I can't get back to where I was with him in one day. So in the meantime, I'm going to do my best with the strength he gives me. And for those of you who pray, pray for me. Pray that I won't run again.