Self Esteem

Originally I was only going to post this blog on my private blog, but I have decided to post it on here as well. I took a few things out that I wouldn't won't the whole world knowing, but that's about it. In some ways this blog may not completely make sense to some of you. That's only because you haven't read former blogs on why I feel this way. But those blogs I'm not willing to share with the general public yet. I'm only willing to share them with friends. Maybe one day I'll be able to bare it all, but until then I guess you'll just have to deal with knowing the what and not the why.

I thought I'd share some vocabulary words with you. And then I'm going to use them in sentences. It's just like school! :) Really though, read and think about the definitions of these words. Think about whether you can use these words in sentences about yourself. And if you can which words are they, and what do they mean to you. Haha, I swear this is not like a psychology lesson.

1. Self- Esteem: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

2. Insecure: subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured

3. Anxiety: distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune

4. Depression: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

5. Untrusting: openly distrustful and unwilling to confide

6. Shame: the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another

7. Guilt: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

8. Trusting: inclined to rely on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

9. Confidence: belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance

10. Peace: freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.; tranquillity; serenity.

11. Happiness: state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy

12. Honor: honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions


Well I've provided you with the definitions, and now I will provide you with the sentences as promised :)

If you didn't notice all of these words have to do with emotions or feelings in some way or another. Well I can take all twelve of those words and divide them into two groups. The first group is feelings and emotions that I experience as my natural self. I'm talking about who I am without any medication or therapy or drugs. The other group are feelings and emotions that I wish and hope that I can feel one day. I want my natural self to be full of these emotions, not the first group. I want to experience these feelings completely without having some of the feelings from the first group taking up space and stopping me from feeling these emotions fully.

The first group, as you may have guessed, includes insecurity, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, and lack of trust. The second group is trust, confidence, peace, happiness, and honor. I am insecure in almost every area of my life. I'm not insecure in the sense that I need to criticize or manipulate others to feel better. We each deal with our insecurities differently. I deal with them by being hard on myself, not others. I'm insecure in the sense that I don't have confidence in myself and my abilities. I am insecure in the way I look, the way I act, and the way I feel. I am insecure in my relationships with my friends, my family, and Tyler. I'm insecure about my work and my dreams. I'm not confident in any area of my life. Some areas of my life I have consciously chosen to be insecure, such as my relationships with others. I've convinced myself that if I put my confidence and security in any person I will be hurt. Most of my friends and family have done nothing wrong, and they have more than earned the right for me to believe and trust in them. But I don't. Take Tyler, for example. I trust him more than I trust any other person. I have more confidence in him than I have in any other person, but I still don't trust him completely. I still don't believe in him completely. Let me make this VERY clear: Tyler has done NOTHING to make me not trust and believe in him completely. In fact, he's worked wonders and has done so much for me, and that is why I trust him as much as I do, even if it's not completely. In many ways he's saved me from myself. He's amazing and I love him so much! It's my fault that I can't let it all go. It's my fault that I can't let go of past pains and hurts. It's my fault that I can't make myself believe and trust in others. It's my fault that I'm too scared to let go and trust another completely. Tyler pays for what others did. It's not fair at all, and that is why I'm am going to do my best and try my hardest to fix this.

I want to be able to be confident rather than insecure. I want experience peace and true happiness rather than anxiety and depression. I want to feel honor and love rather than shame and guilt. I want to be able to trust other people. I want that more than anything else. I want all these things without the others lingering in the back of my head. I also want to feel all these things without being medicated. I want these things to be what makes up me! The medication makes me functional and lessen the symptoms of the depression and anxiety, but it doesn't solve the problem. Still deep down I feel these things. I think things I shouldn't. I jump to conclusions. I seem to always expect the worst. I don't want to live that way anymore.

Do you remember in school when we had lessons on self esteem? The guidance counselor would have us put our name in the middle of a piece of construction paper, and then we would have to go around the room and write something nice about each person on their paper. By the time it was done, everyone had written on everyone else's paper, and each child had about 20 or so nice comments on their own paper. I remember reading those comments and never once believing them. And I'm trying to figure out if some kids actually believed what they read. Was it just me who didn't think any of those things were true or did everybody? I don't know. All I know is that if there were kids like that, I want to be that kid. That kid that believes all those nice things written on her paper. The kid that loves herself enough to know that those comments are true. I don't want to be the spoiled rich kid that is cocky and in love with his or herself. I just want to be that normal kid who loves herself, and believes that people are mostly good, and believes that she can do anything if she just puts her mind to it. I want more than anything to be that kid.