I've been looking through some old pictures lately. I've put many of them up on my facebook. As I was looking through them I realized there were so many things that I have forgotten about. I realized that somewhere in my attempt to push away and forget the bad memories, I did the same thing with the good memories. I found a few pictures of these kids that Heather and I use to babysit. There names were Aaron and Haley. Before seeing those pictures I can't tell you the last time I thought about those two kids. You see, Haley died of leukemia several years ago. I remember how painful it was when I found out about her death. She was just a little girl, and it seemed so injust and so wrong that she had to die. I didn't understand it then. I don't understand it now, but what else can be done. So I think in the attempt to push the pain of her death away I pushed her memory away as well.
Then there's those days that I use to party a lot. Well those days have been over for quite a while now. I was looking at pictures from those days and they made me laugh. I had forgotten so many things. For a while now I've considered those some of my bad years. I always say I wouldn't go back to those days for anything. But after looking at those pictures I realized it wasn't all bad. I mean the drinking and the drugs were bad. I definitely wouldn't go back to that, but I also developed some really awesome friendships during that time. And now that all those memories are coming back I realize we had some really fun and awesome times. Some of those memories I would not trade for the world.
There's also the Starbucks pictures. I despise that place now. I despise the man who manages that place. I would not go back there for anything. I've thought about going back from time to time for some extra money, but have decided that that would not be worth it at all. Despite all the frustrations that job caused me, I had some of the best times of my life there! There are countless memories from that place that would leave me on the floor laughing and crying. The people I worked with helped change me in many ways. Also that's where I met Tyler and that in itself makes it all worth it. I wouldn't go back there now, but I also would never give up the time I had there. It was some of my best years!
Then there are middle and high school pictures. Haha, I hated high school and for the most part try to forget it all! I've always said that high school were my worst years and nothing good ever came out of it. And then I read my yearbooks and looked at old pictures. High School really was not as bad as I had made it out to be. I actually had some really good friends such as Josie and Taryn. I also had some very fun times despite all the bad stuff that was going on in my life at the time. I wish I could go back to high school knowing what I know now. That would be worth it. But I can't and everything happens for a reason.
There are so many examples I could use of pushing out the bad memories and allowing the good memories to go with them. I guess maybe it's all about what we focus on. Keeping those bad memories is okay, you learn from them. But in order to not let them bring you down you have to focus on the good memories during that same time. Don't let bad things rob you of your happiness. Remember the good with the bad! I have decided to stop looking at the negative aspects of my past and refocus my attention on the positive aspects. Even though the bad memories may far outweigh the good, as long as I put all my focus on the good memories it'll be okay. I need to see the glass as half full once again. This is just one of the many steps I've decided to take in order to turn my insecurity into confidence, my anxiety into peace, my depression into happiness, my shame and guilt into love and honor, my lack of trust in others to trusting those who deserve it. These five things are my goal. This is how I'm going to begin changing me. I will need help. God and a few others will provide such help. I'm giving it all I got, and I will accomplish this goal!!!!
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